


Land-sea pizza with dissension toppings

by Siragon



Category: Pocket Monsters SPECIAL | Pokemon Adventures
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Pizza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:55:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22989694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siragon/pseuds/Siragon
Summary: Warning ! This fic may or may not contain :- way too much screaming- irrationally angry people- a pizza-eating monster- a dysfunctional duo- a looming deadline- really bad humor- a grey briefcase
Kudos: 6





	Land-sea pizza with dissension toppings

It was a sunny day in Dewford Town. The Wingulls were flying in the cloudless sky as the waves were washing away the footprints in the sand.

Maxie pushed his glasses up on his nose. He wasn't a very big fan of the sea. To put it plainly, he really, really, wished the sea wasn't a thing. Too much water. And Maxie didn't like water. It was too wet. But here he was anyway, ready to take his first day on his new job. He cleared his throat, knocked on the door and entered.

It was a busy place. Lots of people running around, screaming about orders and such. One of them stopped upon seeing him.

-You're the new guy, right? Great, come with me!

He took Maxie by the arm and dragged him behind a door on the other side of the room. They ended up in a changing room.

-Ok, so since you're new at this kind of job, I won't ask you difficult stuff at first. You'll start with taking the customers' orders and doing some delivery; that shouldn't be too difficult. The name's Zack, happy to have you on board!

As they shook hands to celebrate the beginning of their collaboration, someone slammed the door against the wall and began apologizing to Zack.

-Sorry boss, I know I'm late but there was this guy on the road and…

The man didn't finish his sentence, too surprised at the sight of his former nemesis.

-YOU! What are you doing here, you sea-fanatic?!

-I was going to ask you the same question! What's a land-lover like you doing on this island!?

-I asked first, you Jack Spearow-wannabe!

-Answer me, Lava-boy! You looking for a fight? COME AT ME, NERD!

-CALM DOWN OR YOU'RE BOTH FIRED WITHOUT EVEN WORKING!

Zack's screams abruptly cut off Archie and Maxie in their exchange. They both needed this job after disbanding their respective teams. Their new boss gave them tasks to do as far away from each other as possible, then returned to his own business.

The day then passed without any other incident. Then the next. After a week or so, Archie and Maxie were more or less tolerating each other's presence, as long as they didn't need to work together. Zack didn't like that. The tension was still very present and it would impact their work one way or another, which would then impact the customers.

As he was searching for a way to make them at least a bit less… aggressive towards each other, he received a call for a special delivery. Exactly what he was looking for. He called them both and explained the situation.

-I just received a very important call. Someone ordered a Super-Giga-Giant-Deluxe™. With every additional topping on the menu.

-What?

-B-b-but who could be hungry enough to eat this? Even this fatsy here can't eat more than half of one!

-Say that again, nerd!

-Guys!

Archie and Maxie calmed down immediately but they were still glaring daggers at each other.

-Anyway, I want you both to deliver this pizza together. DON'T INTERRUPT ME! I don't care that you don't get along. To be perfectly honest, that's even the reason I want you to do this. If you don't do this, you're fired. So, you have to deliver this pizza to a certain "Zinnia" in a place called "Meteor Village" for tomorrow night. I don't know where this is and I don't care. You leave tomorrow at 10 am. Also, you have to go fetch something at Devon Corporation's HQ and deliver it with the pizza. Don't ask me why, beats me. All I want is for the delivery to go well. Figure the rest out on your own. On that note, go rest now. You'll need it for tomorrow.

And he slammed the door, leaving them together to figure out what they were going to do. 

* * *

The next day. 10 am. The mission was set. The sky was clear. The pizza was hot. They were motivated. They were ready. They were…

…already screaming at each other.

-AND I tell you we should go THIS WAY!

-The shortest route doesn't mean following a straight line THROUGH PEOPLE'S GARDENS, YOU MORON!

-THE SHORTEST ROUTE IS THE SHORTEST ROUTE, WE HAVE A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF US!

Zack appeared behind them, arms crossed. Feeling the looming threat over their heads, Archie and Maxie stopped and turned back slowly to face their boss, who pointed even more slowly towards the delivery vehicle of the pizzeria, parked two meters away from the entrance.

-…right. The pickup.

Without any more words, the two men took the pizza and the keys, got in the car and began to drive.

It's only upon arriving on the shore that it hit them. They knew where Meteor Village was located; it was in Meteor Falls. The question was "how the heck were they supposed to get to Meteor Falls in a car?" Also, the last ferry to the mainland just departed. They stayed by the car, watching the last boat of the island with a dumbstruck expression on their faces. Well, Maxie was. Archie was already approaching the shore and had already taken out one of his Pokéballs.

-Wait wait wait wait, what are you doing?

-Well, isn't it obvious? I'm going to surf to Rustboro City.

-But you can't do that!

-…why?

-Well! Erm…the…hmmm…the pizza! Right, the pizza! How will you transport it if you surf? It's too big to carry on your own!

-Well, that's easy. I carry one end and you carry the other. What's with you all of a sudden? You're supposed to be smart and crap.

-Well…huuuh…erm…that's…

-What? Maxie, are you afraid of surfing? Why would you-

A sparkle of understanding lighted in Archie's eyes. A big smile stretched on his face and Maxie knew his most well-kept secret wasn't a secret anymore.

-Wait. Don't tell me. Maxie, you really don’t know *how to swim*? Wahahaha, that's the best thing I ever heard!

Maxie was psychologically destroyed. Of all people, why HIM? He would never let this rest. It was over; his reputation was ruined. Meanwhile, Archie was still laughing like a baby his parents were tickling to death.

-Wahahaha! The great Maxie, leader of Team Magma! Afraid of water! Wahaha! Can't swim! Ho, this is too good!!!

This lasted for a good fifteen minutes, but Archie managed to slowly calm down and recollect himself.

-Hoooo, damn, I haven’t laughed like this since forever! Wow! Anyway, don't worry, I think I have just the thing to put you at ease.

With these words, he took out a new Pokéball and threw it. With a flash of light, a big blue whale appeared before them. The Wailord let out a loud cry of content.

-So, is this big enough for your comfort, Lava-boy? Or do you think you need some floaties?

Archie started laughing again at his own joke. Maxie didn't answer, trying to maintain some self-esteem. He pushed his glasses up on his nose and, after taking a big breath, climbed on the beast, quickly followed by a still laughing Archie.

Now firmly on the back of the Wailord, their next step was Rustboro City and the Devon Headquarters. The journey happened without real incident. Well, except the fact that Archie really played with Maxie's nerves, making his Pokémon randomly do sudden turns which really threatened Maxie's sense of balance and basically making him scream from the top of his lungs until they reached the shore near Petalburg City. Except that, all was good.

* * *

After two hours of walking through a forest and beating up random kids on the way (including some smug guy who used a Full Restore on a Zigzagoon for some reason), the two guys arrived at Devon's headquarters. They stared at the tower for a second and entered.

When they entered, they explained to the receptionist that they were here to pick up "something" but didn't know what it was. She gave them a tired look, one that said that they weren't the first ones to tell her something like that and she was fed up with these people thinking they were funny by making others waste their time like that and don't they have better things to do than to bother honest workers?! She opened her mouth, ready to scream until they left the building, but her PokéNav began to ring. Sighing, she picked it up and immediately tensed up.

-Yes, Mr. Stone! Sorry Mr. Stone, I thought…yes, sorry…Yes, I'll tell them.

She glared at Archie and Maxie. If looks could kill, they would definitely be dead by now.

-You! Both of you! The president is waiting for you in his office! You can take the elevator at the end of the hall.

After muttering a flustered "thank you", the two men walked to the elevator without a word. It wasn’t until they were alone inside it that they finally exchanged a look.

-Archie, do you have *any idea* what just happened?

-Not in the slightest!

-Thank Arceus, I thought I was the only one!

When they reached the last floor, they found the office empty. It was a big room, nearly covering the entire floor. The light was flowing in the room and casting its rays on the big collection of stones covering the farthest wall. Over it was an even bigger picture of Mr. Stone himself, a soft smile on his lips.

-Well well well…when I asked for the delivery men to come here, you two were certainly the last people I was expecting. How did the big leaders of Team Aqua and Magma end up working at a pizzeria?

Turning his chair like a James Bond villain, Mr. Stone revealed himself to Archie and Maxie. They were nearly disappointed that he wasn't petting a Persian or something like that with such a cliché introduction.

-Oh, you know… Money…

-Yeah, it be like that sometimes…

-Money, huh? Well, I suppose we all have our own problems then.

The president then started laughing a bit. He wasn't antagonizing them, just really surprised about the turn of events.

-By the way, how did you know we were here?

-Oh, I just really like looking through my window. And two big men like you in pizzeria uniforms aren't really sneaky.

-Are you… implying you're slacking off from your job, *Mr. President*…?

-Now now now, let's not place too much importance on such details! You're here because you have to take something, right? Well, here it is!

Swiftly changing the topic of the conversation, Mr. Stone presented them a grey briefcase. Archie looked at it, obviously expressing his interest, while Maxie showed more self-control, even though he was also burned by the desire to know what was inside.

-And…what would that be exactly?

-That is indeed a good question, but not one I should answer to the delivery men.

He stopped several seconds then an impish smile sprouted on his face. He had the face of a kid who just found a really good prank to do.

-Let's just say they're…"Devon Goods". I'm sure that'll bring back good memories.

And with these words he dismissed them while starting to laugh.

As they were going to exit the building, Archie suddenly yelled right in the middle of the lobby.

-WAIT! I NEED TO TAKE A DUMP!

-AND WHY WOULD YOU NEED TO YELL THAT, YOU FISH-BRAIN???

-BECAUSE YOU WERE 2 METERS AHEAD OF ME AND I WASN'T SURE YOU WOULD HAVE HEARD ME OTHERWISE, LAVA-BOY!

-THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL SCREAMING NOW???

-BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO!

-GO! TO! THE! FRICKING! BATHROOM! AND! LET! US! WORK!!!

That last line was the receptionist who was only meters away from them and really hadn’t calmed down since they last saw her fifteen minutes earlier. You might even argue it was now somehow worse than before.

-…you know what? I think I'll go too…

* * *

-Dude?

-What is it AGAIN, Archie?

-…I'm hungry…

The two men stopped. And their stomach suddenly began growling like starved Poochyenas.

-Ok, you may have a point this time. What time is it anyway?

-I don't know, like 3 pm?

-3 pm???

-What?

-We only have three hours left to deliver this pizza and we're still on Route 115! And Meteor Falls is a fricking labyrinth! We don’t have time for this! Quick, we have to huuuuuuu…rry…Shit. More water. We need to surf again.

Archie, not phased in the slightest, released his Wailord, climbed on it and asked Maxie to pass him the pizza. It was only then that they realized they were missing a certain briefcase they were supposed to deliver with the pizza. Which obviously sparked a new argument.

-Where did it go? You were the one supposed to have it, right Archie?

-What? NO! Stone gave it to you when we were in his office, remember?

-Well if I did, I wouldn't ask you, would I?

-And when did we even lose it? We walked straight here since we exited his building!

-That's a good question but I'm sure we won't figure this out if we continue to run like headless Torchics. We need to remain calm.

-Huh, Maxie?

-What is it, Archie?

-We…may or may not have a... new problem on our hands…

-What. Is it. Archie?

-…I think the pizza is cold.

A heavy silence fell upon the two men for several seconds, quickly broken by a hysteric Maxie who began to run like a headless Torchic, followed by Archie who also gave in to the panic. As they were running in circles however, a flash of inspiration suddenly struck the pirate, who ran back to Rustboro while yelling Maxie to take care of the pizza in his absence.

* * *

When he came back, he was greeted by the sight of a calmed down Maxie and the enchanting smell of a hot pizza. Or what would be the enchanting smell of a hot pizza if it didn't have ALL the toppings on the menu, which was definitely not intended to happen when the menu was created. Why would someone add mushrooms, pineapple and anchovy on the same pizza? In general, even heretics have limits! But hey, it wasn't their job to question the customer, just to deliver.

-So, I see you found the goods! Good! Where were they?

-Well, funny you would ask, erm…Remember when I said I had to take a dump?

-Yeaaaaah…?

-Well, I may or may not have taken the briefcase with me and forgotten it in the bathroom…

-…really?

-Yeah, really…

-…

-…

-You disappoint me even more than I thought was possible.

-I disappoint myself, dude...

-...

-...but I refuse to be judged by you while you didn't see I didn't have the goods either!

-…that’s fair, I guess. This is behind us anyway, let's go!

-Wait! I'm curious to know how you heated it up.

-Haaa, glad you asked! You see, I was at a complete loss. We lost the Devon Goods (thank Arceus, you found them back!), the pizza was getting cold, we needed to surf again-

-Yeah, I get it, shorten up the story please.

-and then it struck me! It was brilliant! I just needed a big metal plate and I conveniently found one right behind this bush. No, not that one, the right one. Yes, that one. Once I had this plate, it was extremely simple, I just had to take out this good boy…

Maxie took a moment to point at his Camerupt that Archie didn't notice until now for some reason.

-…place the metal plate on top of his back with the pizza on it and wait. Did you know that Camerupts have an internal temperature of over 10.000°C? Didn't need to leave it like that for long for it to get hot again, and it had the added bonus of making the crust crunchy again too!

-Wow, that's impressive! I wonder where all that cleverness comes from…

-Well, it's probably from-

-It's the glasses! It's always the glasses!

This simple comment took Maxie out of his self-congratulatory state.

-Wow. This is so stupid it almost loops right back around to being intelligent.

-Right?!

-Almost. Anyway, we should go now, we really don't have much time left to-SHIT THERE'S ONLY TWO HOURS LEFT! GOGOGOGOGO! 

* * *

Meteor Falls wasn't a "dark" cave per se. Some rays of sunlight were reaching into pools of water on the inside by cracks, creating flashing moving lights on the walls. From time to time, you could see a single drop fall from a stalactite and explode on the ground in a myriad of water droplets. The Pokémon in here were really quiet, as if to not disturb the calm atmosphere reigning. Occasionally, a Zubat or a Lunatone flew around the mineral formations for a reason or another, but nothing that really stood out from the calm and serene ambience of the cave. Except maybe for one thing.

-And I tell you we already went this way! Look! This rock looks like your dumb glasses and we already saw it!

-Well, where do we go then, O Grand Master of Navigation?

-Well huh…this…or maybe that…

-…

-…Yeah, I got this! This way!

-That's the way we took when we passed that rock with my "dumb glasses" though.

-…

-…

-Well it's not MY fault this cave is a labyrinth!

-It's not mine either!

-Would you two stop, please, I can't hear myself think with all your yelling!

The third voice came from behind a rock pillar. A man emerged from the shadows, wearing a tan trench coat and a perplexed expression and accompanied by a Croagunk wearing a police hat.

-Allow me to introduce myself! My name is Looker, I am an officer of the International Police and I am searching for a witness to one of my cases. He is a middle-aged man with a beard, long dark hair and a black t-shirt with what looked like a skull on it. As I approached him, he suddenly turned to me and screamed "PRÉPAREZ-VOUS À ENTRER DANS XAK TSAROTH!", then ran in here yelling about losing his hammer or something. Which was odd because he had a belt with tons of them around his waist. Would you happen to have seen him by any chance?

-Nope.

-Not at all. What did he even say?

-Beats me. Must be a Kalosian on vacation.

-Yeah…

An awkward silence followed. Then Archie and Maxie began to make weird movements at each other pointing in Looker's direction. It escalated until they played a game of rock-paper-scissors won by Archie, who silently celebrated his victory before a confused Looker. Maxie then turned to him.

-Sooo, we may have lost our way to Meteor Village, would you happen to know how to get there? We have to deliver something there fast and we're kind of stuck…

-What a coincidence, I just went there in search of my witness! I can definitely show you the way!

-Well… that's convenient. A bit too convenient. As if all this is just a big scheme orchestrated by a higher existence or something like that.

-What, you really think Arceus has nothing better to do on his days off than making us deliver pizza?

-I don't know, why don't you go ask him yourself, you fish-brain?

-Didn't you need to get to the village fast?

-Right! Go ahead, we're just behind you, mister officer! And stop dancing, you!

* * *

Time was running out but the finish line was finally in sight. Archie and Maxie, following Looker, let out a sigh of relief as he passed through the entrance gate.

…which closed right before their noses. A small head peeked through a window in the structure, likely that of a child.

\- None shall pass without the consent of the Gatekeeper! State your names and the goal of your visit or stay out of this village until the end of time!

-Go fetch your dad, kiddo! We don't have time to spare, we have to get this pizza to Zinnia in-

Two Pokéballs passed through the window, releasing a Flygon and a Hydreigon who immediately started to rampage on the two men, who retaliated with their own team members. The dragons were raging, not even giving their opponents the time to listen to the gatekeeper, who was continuing his speech.

-Liars! Why would the Lorekeeper need a pizza tonight? It doesn't make any sense! PREPARE TO FACE THE FURY OF THE DRACONID PEO-oh, hello Miss Zinnia, what are you doing here? …what do you mean "I'm waiting for a delivery"…? Oh. Ooooooooooh. Munch-munch, Candy wrap, come back! I may have made an error!

Hearing their name, the two dragons rushed over the gate, leaving Archie and Maxie completely confused as to what was happening. After several minutes, the gate finally opened, revealing Zinnia and an apologetic child.

-Sorry for that, it was his first day on sentry duty and he was a bit too zealous. Anyway, you're the delivery men, right? You're just in time, come with me!

She guided them through the houses. The village hadn’t changed since they came here to train with Kyogre and Groudon months ago, though they didn't really pay attention at the time; they were more focused on… well, destroying the meteor that was threatening the earth. They still didn't understand why they didn't disappear in the end though - that seemed like what was supposed to happen but for some strange reason it didn't. Oh well, it wasn't the time to dwell on that.

-Here we are! Aster, I'm hoooome!

A little Whismur appeared from behind a table and jumped to cuddle Zinnia's leg.

-Yeah, I missed you too today. But you know what today is? It's your birthday! Here, your dinner just arrived! You can have aaaaaall the pizza you want tonight! And there's also a birthday gift too, look at this!

On a scale of incredulity from one to ten, Archie and Maxie were probably around fifty. And it kept rising as they saw Zinnia take the "Devon Goods" and exhibit the pieces of a DIY submarine model while Aster was gulping down the Super-Giga-Giant-Deluxe™ with more voracity than a starved Guzzlord. All the stress they endured… all the mishaps… all the hassles… for the birthday party of A WHISMUR? AND IT ALREADY FINISHED IT??? What was even going on here now??? This was so taurosshit you could make a whole new Tauros out of that shit! And they were done with it.

Archie put his hand on Maxie's shoulder with a dead smile on his face. He made a thumbs up. Maxie nodded, harbouring the same kind of smile. They left the house. As if in a dream, they exited the village and began their way back to Dewford Town.

-You know what, Archie?

-No, Maxie.

-All this shit we had today, we only got through it by being together, united.

-…yeah, I think you're right, Maxie. Maybe next time, we should face it side by side, as a team.

Suddenly, Looker popped out from behind a rock and pointed at you.

-And that, kiddos, was the moral of the story!

-Gunk?

-…no, I have absolutely no idea who I said that to, my friend…

* * *

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YOU FORGOT TO TAKE THE MONEY"???

-It's the fish-brain's fault, boss!

-Don't believe him, boss, he's lying!

They didn’t learn their lesson.


End file.
